I’ve got a video to edit and upload, so instead of that I thought I would whole-hardheartedly cut the shit with y’all.
I actually struggled with writing this. I wondered if I should even bother telling the story. At the end of the day it comes down to a couple of things: A. I know I’m not the only one and B. Somebody may need to hear what I have to say and they need to know that they aren’t the only one going through it.
I think about how I want this story to go. I could tell you all the drama and the struggles. That’s only a little bit important. What’s important is where I am now. Right now, at this moment, I care about living. I won’t say that I’m suicidal. I’ve never considered myself suicidal. What I considered myself is someone who battles with depression. I’m on the tail end of a bout and I have to admit this was a bit difficult. I can usually catch the depression and fight it during the winter but I didn’t see this bout coming. I have been eating crap foods, I hadn’t been meditating, and I was overly stressed and doing nothing to combat it. My depression came on so quickly I didn’t know what to do with myself.
To anyone with depression there are things that happen that you can’t quite explain. There’s more to it than ‘stop being sad’ or ‘cheer up’ so you can imagine how it felt to have to struggle to muster up the energy to exist when you could care less. That lasted for a month and a half. What I noticed is that while I was secluding myself and retreating into myself more and more I had friends who were checking on me. I don’t think they were fully aware of where I was, but it is nice to know that I’m surrounded by people who love me and are there for me. Even when I don’t immediately see it. What I want to say to those fighting for themselves and their lives that they should keep fighting. I won’t feed you some lie and tell you oh it’ll be easy really soon. I’m pretty sure that it will never get easier. I feel like I fight for my life every day. It’s hard, but it’s worth the fight. It’s hard fighting for your life every day but know that you aren’t alone and that you too, are worth the fight.